Are you in love or fear?

emotions hugging intimacy love making love relationships self care sexuality vulnerability Jul 23, 2021
Are you in love or fear?

It's a crazy time right now. In Australia, the level of fear in the air seems to be heightening. There's an agitation, a fragility in many. Are you being pulled into it or are you able to remain buoyant?

This low-level anxiety affects our nervous systems and ultimately can affect our relationships. We are at survival in some ways. And our primal brain (survival brain) responds to this fight-flight. Stress and anxiety are the key states that many are dealing with right now.

What if, it creates more stress, the relationship with your partner or family or friends can be turned around to be something that becomes a cradle of security, of comfort? You might already have this. If you do, cherish it.

But if fear is with you and it's getting in the way of connecting with your loved ones, maybe it is time to step back and take stock of where you want to end up in your relationship with others. The actions, responses, and withdrawals or attacks can leave a scar for a long time. THIS is the time that is testing us all, to stop our ego from reacting, take a breath and respond once we have calmed, maintain our own equilibrium, and really put love as a higher goal.

And if you are in a couple relationship and stress to getting in the way of being intimate, in the way of connecting in a meaningful way, for whatever reason - past experiences, current social circumstances, sexual unresponsiveness, lack of desire, conflict, then perhaps it's time to give some attention to that elephant in the room.

It was the biggest surprise when I returned from my very first Making Love Retreat with the creators of the retreat, Diana and Michael Richardson, to find I had NEVER felt that level of peace and tranquillity in my body ever before. I simply never knew that making love in relaxation and non-doing could affect every other aspect of my life. Anxiety has always been a thing for me and to be able to feel the calming effect of lovemaking in awareness and tenderness, rather than something that could potentially cause stress just changed my whole take on sexual intimacy.

You see the body is wired for love. When you learn how to create more connected intimacy and be together in awareness, allowing your bodies to relax together, your bodies and nervous system start to down-regulate to calmer, more peaceful.

And it also offers the opportunity to move from MIND to BODY, such a key to calming the brain. To move from FEAR to LOVE. Fear is often in the mind and in the future. The heart is here, now.

This happened to me the other day when I realised how much fear I was in. And a friend reminded me of my heart. My heart is my home. And if I am not feeling it, then I'm not home.

Here is a simple exercise you can do now, just on your own. Or if you are with a partner, do it before being intimate.

Sit still wherever you are right now. Close your eyes. Breathe deeply into your lower belly for 5 breaths. Feel your body settle and relax, with that intention.

Then bring your awareness to your heart. Begin breathing in and out of your heart. Think of something or someone you love and who is precious to you. Feel that love as you breathe out and in. Feel your chest expanding, and your whole awareness expanding in front and behind you. Turn the corners of your lips up just a little and feel an 'inner smile'. You should feel yourself calming within minutes.

If you have a partner, decide to 'let go of the goal' of making them change or getting somewhere in lovemaking. Take time to relax and breathe together. Do this same exercise of breathing deeply in the lower abdomen, and in and out of the heart, until your bodies start to soften and relax. Let your intimacy be an embrace of safety and comfort during these tough times by letting go of your agenda to 'get somewhere' or your agenda to keep the other person at arm's length.

And ultimately, take yourselves out into nature as much as you can. Nature is the one thing that is constant right now.

Just remember, if you are in fear, if you are feeling agitated, snappy, short-tempered or fragile, it's a sign. Instead of projecting it onto another person, try to find whatever way you can to FIND YOUR WAY BACK TO YOUR HEART, TO LOVE. Think of what works for you and go do that. Wishing you LOVE, from my heart to yours.

If you'd like to give yourself the opportunity to experience the incredible softening and connection that is available to you through creating more and more tender moments between you and to just give your relationship a loving holiday, I welcome you to The Making Love Retreat. Love to see you there.

If you have any questions or can't make it to a retreat and would like to arrange a chat with me personally, click here.

And if you would like to read some of the books I recommend that will support you moving in this direction, click here.



I'd like to invite you to an important and dynamic conversation coming up on 16th September.

Sex after sexual trauma is a taboo subject but it's a conversation that must be had. One doesn't have to have had major sexual trauma to be affected, simply by the sheer unconsciousness and lack of education around making love and sexuality in general.

One very courageous woman who is opening up this conversation is the Documentary filmmaker of Did I choose my Trauma? and TEDx speaker, Yemi Penn.

Yemi asks the important question, 'How can we respond to trauma with passion and courage?'

Yemi is a dynamic passionate woman and I am humbled and honoured to be supporting her mission as a guest on her webinar 'Sex after Sexual Trauma'. Having worked in this area for almost 15 years now, and in my own personal experience, I have been astounded at the level of healing that is available when we change the way we make love and are more informed.

Please join us for what will be a rich and insightful conversation on 16th Sept in Australia, 15th Sept in the UK, and the US. Link here.

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