Faking it

There's a classic Seinfeld episode called 'The Mango' where Jerry finds out that the whole time they were in a relationship, Elaine was faking orgasms.

Jerry: You mean all those times, you were faking it?

Elaine: Yup

Jerry: What about the breathing - the panting - the moaning - the screaming?

Elaine: Fake! Fake! Fake! Fake!

You see Jerry pull back in disbelief. He can't bear the fact that he's failed to saisfy her. 

Eventually, he says "Give me another shot at it!".

(If you're a Seinfeld addict like me, the link to this scene is below!)

Although Elaine was triumphant, the reality for women is far from it. No woman feels good about faking it.  Or feeling like she has to…

To get it over with. To stop from feeling physical pain or discomfort. To keep the peace. To stave off his approaches for a couple of days. To avoid the impending disappointment that she may never reach orgasm. And well, it’s just too much effort.

It's sad, when this whole experience is devoid of something we all need as humans. LOVE. Now, more than ever.

The thing is... 

It’s not her fault. But it’s also not his. It's how sex has been for millenia. We don't know anything different.

That scene is a classic take on sexual relationships. Because, apart from the thrill of release, it's the most satisfying thing for a man, to know that she has reached her peak of pleasure. And if it doesn't happen, or if he is criticised for his performance, it's like a kick in the guts. He tries and tries and then one day, he stops trying. Stops initiating. Becomes nervous around her.

Meanwhile she's growing frustrated as he closes down. Withdraws. He can't win so why try?

Some women have approached 70 and never had an orgasm.  In contrast, we probably wouldn't find many men who have not had a release.

So what's that about? How can man so easily reach a peak and discharge, when women can struggle to even get warmed up?

There are several factors but ultimately it's simple. Women need more time. A LOT MORE TIME. And men do too, they just don't realise it.

For her to awaken her true feminine radiance and vitality, she needs more time for her sexual energy to really flower and open. Because the key to her awakening is not the genitals. Her whole body is a wonderland. And in particular her breasts and nipples, her upper body.

But where is all the focus after we get comfortable in a relationship? The genitals. This leaves a woman bereft. Left out. Closed down. And, ultimately... angry.

After 30 years with thousands upon thousands of couples attending The Making Love Retreat, we see that when a couple apply the experiential aspect of teaching, putting it into practice, and allow time for the bodies to calibrate without going for the peak and discharge, time for presence, caressing, tender touch, women's bodies open effortlessly. No matter what age. And the consequence is calmness for a woman, a sweetness comes over her. She becomes unflappable. Emotions subside. Emotional upheavals between a couple become less. It's actually quite magical.

As one woman reported a week after the last retreat - 'Menopausal symptoms ZERO! I can actually speak in sentences... Peacefulnes 100% - true story!'  She has even found physical symptoms subsiding - 'Frozen shoulder thawing like ice cream on a hot waffle.' This might seem odd. But it's when the whole body system gets to wind down, to rest and digest, into a restorative state that the body is finally able to balance itself out.

Now that does not mean that all menopausal symptoms for women subside with conscious lovemaking. I can just say for myself that it did have a massive impact, which Diana Richardson and I speak about in our book Tantric Sex and Menopause.

Similarly for a man, when he can let go of the burden of performing, of making something happen, letting go of the tension and just relax without the end goal, his energy begins to disperse in a very positive way and spread up through the body where the flowering happens for a man in his heart. His sexual energy settles. It calms and consequently his stress around sex begins to subside. Less anxiety. More love. And even men with erection difficulties report a return of the function of their bodies. He can rest more authentically in his own masculine presence. Without effort. A celebration indeed.

Here's what one man, Shane said after the last retreat. Previous to the retreat, he and his partner were not on the same page, with her experiencing difficulty in opening up sexually.

"The retreat got to me immediately, allowing me to drop expectation and pressures put on myself during our relationship. To stand in my true masculine presence and be magnetic to my partner. To feel her love wash over me is something amazing and I wish all could feel the calm and pleasure I have felt this week. I truly believe in this course."

You can learn more about why conventional sex is so problematic by listening to my TEDx talk here.

Read more here about The Making Love Retreat and what other couples are saying.