I Don't Want to Fake it

"I don't want to fake it."

It's a sentence I hear from many women. Often it's spoken quietly. Sometimes with tears. Almost always with guilt.

Because she doesn't want to hurt her partner. She doesn't want him to feel rejected. She doesn't want him to think she doesn't love him.

But she also knows that something inside her cannot keep saying yes when her heart and body are saying no.

Many women tell me:

"If I don't genuinely feel it, I don't want to pretend."

At the same time, many men say:

"I just want to feel wanted. I have needs too."

Neither person is wrong. Underneath it, both are longing for love.

Yet somewhere between these two genuine desires, couples can become trapped in a painful cycle of misunderstanding. The woman feels guilty. The man feels rejected.

And intimacy slowly becomes something neither of them truly enjoys.

When Intimacy Becomes Performance

One of the saddest things I hear women say is that they feel they are expected to "just do it." Not because they don't value physical intimacy. In fact, many women love physical intimacy.

They miss it. They long for it.

But they long for an intimacy that feels mutual rather than obligatory. When intimacy is given simply to meet someone else's needs, something quietly erodes inside a woman's heart. A loss. Because she knows in her bones that it is not authentic.

It no longer feels like a gift. It feels like a performance. And over time, that performance can become exhausting.

A woman doesn't want to feel like a body fulfilling a duty. She wants to feel emotionally met.

Seen. Safe. Wanted as well. For something deeper.

And yes, this does become even more significant during midlife. There have been years of this, perhaps. Add on top of that hormonal changes, weight gain, and perimenopause. This often heralds a vulnerability that was not with her as a younger woman. For some, a sense of shame and loss of confidence in their body.

These are not excuses. They are real experiences that affect how a woman feels in her own skin.

I've noticed something over many years of working with couples.

When a woman feels emotionally disconnected...

when she feels rushed...

when she feels pressured...

when she feels unseen...

Her body often closes.

Not as punishment.

As protection.

The body is remarkably wise. It cannot be persuaded by obligation.

It responds to emotional safety. To presence. To feeling deeply met.

Creating the Conditions for Desire

This is why I believe we need a different conversation about intimacy. Instead of asking:

"How do I get my needs met?" What if we asked: "How do we BOTH create an environment where love naturally wants to flow between us?"

This question changes everything. It moves us away from entitlement and towards curiosity.

Away from pressure and towards presence. Away from obligation and towards genuine connection.

Love Cannot Be Demanded

True intimacy cannot be demanded. It can only be invited.

And when that invitation is created with patience, understanding, and love, something beautiful happens organically...

The walls soften.

The nervous system relaxes.

The heart opens.

The body follows.

Not because it has to. But because it finally feels safe enough to.

This is the kind of intimacy I believe is possible. Not one based on duty or performance. But one where two people continue learning how to meet each other with openness, compassion, and presence.

Because many couples are not struggling because they don't love each other. They're struggling because intimacy has quietly become pressure instead of connection.

And the body feels the difference.

A Gentle Invitation

If this resonates with you, know that you are not alone.

For more than two decades, I've been supporting women and couples to create loving, heart-based relationships where intimacy becomes a gift rather than an obligation.

Whether through Womantime Retreat for women or The Making Love Retreat for couples, my work is about helping people reconnect with themselves first—because the quality of our relationship with ourselves shapes every relationship we have.

If your heart is longing for a different experience of intimacy, I'd love to welcome you to experience The Making Love Retreat a six-day retreat to support couples to return to love, the Tantric way.

And.....

Look out for Tess and Craig, who attended the May 2024 Making Love Retreat on Insight SBS, Tuesday, 7th July 2026 at 8.30 pm. The topic of the evening is 'Sex Recession', raising the question, 'Are we having less sex?