Resentment, the Silent Saboteur

So much couples therapy focuses on dealing with the conflict between two people. 

What I’ve found over all my 20 plus years of working with couples privately and in retreats is something seemingly less tangible but far more effective is to park the conflict and engage in practices that actually create more love.

Then, and only then, is it possible to create some kind of shift in your emotional world. In fact, sometimes, conflicts fall away naturally. Why? Because love is a state that puts the brain, the heart and the body into resonance with each other.

Now let me clarify. This is NOT spiritual or emotional by-passing. The hard work may still need to be done but it is done in an environment of mutual compassion, mutual understanding and mutual respect.

Conflict is dissonance. Love is resonance.

Forget the theories. Forget the tactics. You can’t solve conflict with the mind. Because conflict is perpetuated by the mind. And if we were to really break it down, you could say that it starts with an unconscious emotional reaction, which triggers us off. 

We don’t have the capacity to deal with it in that moment. We make decisions from our primal brain about the other and then we react and project outwards.

But where does it leave us?

We think that the relationship can withstand it. Can it really?

It might for a while, but over time, what happens? It deteriorates. We tolerate each other. But there is a deep sadness, a loneliness that sets in. Is that what you really want?

The biggest objection I hear from women who would love to come to the Making Love Retreat is:- But I’m so angry at him. I feel so resentful.

There are many GOOD reasons to feel angry or resentful towards your partner, male or female. Or... maybe it's a friend, or a family member.

Yes. I get it. I've been there too. And honestly, it IS a hard place to return from. And...it IS possible. And, it won't resolve with 'conflict resolution'.

Let's take some inspiration from Nelson Mandela who said:-

Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies. 

That's how much it hurts us, really. Do you want that?

It makes complete sense that with hurt our mind then does a beautiful job of stepping in to protect us. It makes bargains - ‘I’ll NEVER let him …’ ‘I’ll NEVER .. her’. And in the case of sexual intimacy, 'I'll never open up to him/or her again.' 

A powerful place. But with the 'never' we lose out. We encage our hearts. How can we deal with that? It feels like such a stuck place.

Well, here's a writing suggestion for how to unravel your feeling of resentment and getting you a little further along the path to love or at least being open to love.

Bring out your diary or writing pad and write on separate pages and see what emerges.

1. First Page:- 'I'll Never...'
   Start writing down your ‘I’ll never statements’ on one page. Get a real assessment of how you have made a bargain with yourself and how you might be silently sabotaging your relationship while still wanting to be with him or her. 
2. Second Page:- 'What is this costing me, my heart, my body and my relationship?' Just write until you have exhausted it all.
3. Third Page:- 'What I WANT is...' Start writing what you WANT for your relationship, not what you DON"T want. This helps switch the brains neural pathways to positive bias rather than the well-formed negative bias.
4. Fourth Page:- 'What do I need/am willing to do and who do I need be to receive what I really want? ...' What's one, just one step you can take towards having what you want with your partner? Keep it simple. Then keep going. Write until your heart starts to open.
5. And then share it with your partner. Yep - that takes humility. Maybe it's an exercise you'd like to try together.

This little exercise takes a big dose of humility. but really look at what you're gaining and what it's costing you to hold on to your resentment. Don't drink that poison. Let love lead.

Conflict, disagreements can only effectively be resolved in a state of love. In a state where we are more ‘regulated’ meaning our primal brain is not flashing off and going into survival. 

How can we get to that state of love? Through experiencing the exquisite medicine of PRESENCE. Learning the simple practice of how to be present with self and another.

Which is the greatest gift of The Making Love Retreat. Honestly, there you are taken step by step into an environment where you learn how to increase love and quiet that conflicted mind. 

Is it time now? How many more years, months, weeks days can your relationship withstand the disconnection of discontent? How much more can you take physically, emotionally? I'd love to invite you to bridge the gap and come back to love again at The Making Love Retreat. Click here to read more.

And let me know how you went with the introspective writing exercise. I'd love to hear - [email protected] 

With Love, 

J x