The Love Field

attachment theory conscious relationships couples intimacy mindfulness relationships Jun 29, 2023
Couples connecting in love

Anyone who comes to my events knows how much I love music and how it can set the scene for connection, joy, expansion, love, heart-opening, or stillness.

I recently saw this gorgeous Canadian couple in a little inner-city hub. They are called Ocie Elliot - Jon Middleton and Sierra Lundy. A sweet folk duo I’ve been following for some years now.

While waiting for them to come on stage we were subjected to loud head-banging 80’s numbers. The antithesis of their music.

From the moment they stepped onto the stage however, something wonderful happened. Besides their music, it was how these two were with each other as a couple that really struck me.

As soon as they began playing, the whole room of 400 people became still. And relaxed.

From that moment, and all through their performance they would constantly glance and smile at each other. A consistent reassurance, non-verbally saying, ‘I’ve got you here’.

I was fascinated to watch and experience this live classic demonstration of something called 'tethering', essential for a couple wanting to create security in their relationship.

One would think that we as an audience would feel excluded as one often can when a couple is so immersed in their love for each other. But no. All 400 of us were fully included. We were fully and automatically pulled into their Love Field and into our own hearts. It was stunning. And we were all ages. Every decade was represented there and every one of us caught the love.

They stood as individuals yet as a couple who had each other fully in awareness. Their presence and love were palpable and we all simply melted.

It’s rare to witness such openhearted and genuine realness in action. And it was an inspiration.

What they were actually naturally doing was neurologically pairing their brains for safety and security.

Whether conscious or not, couples like these have an agreement, of cueing each other, staying in contact, in a way, that helps each other feel more secure and safe. Some do it naturally. For others of us, it may need to be learned.

Why? Because as little ones, we didn't get that.

Stan Tatkin, author of Wired for Love, one of my favourite books, says that when couples are connected in this way, they can tackle their lives with more resilience, more bravery, and more confidence knowing that each other had their backs. No matter what childhood background they had, the relationship would provide, and sometimes heal, an insecure childhood or upbringing. I wrote a blog on what he terms as The Couple Bubble. You can read it here.

Now one could be cynical and maybe not relate to this romantic notion of love because it's not what we've experienced but I have to say when you do experience this in a relationship, it is the most soothing balm to your nervous system, your heart, and deeply nourishing for your soul. Secure attachment figures where you feel safe and secure are like gold. And if you are not in a partnership, a close friend, a family member, parent or even a therapist can be a powerful attachment figure for you.

In the end, we are either moving towards love or away from it. Opening our hearts or closing them. when we understand how important it really is for our own well-being to be nourished by this way of connecting, it's really an individual decision to be the first one to decide to open.

To understand more about rewiring your own hearts for love, I am holding a One Day Retreat for Couples CREATING INTIMACY - A DAY FOR COUPLES - Noosa, Qld Saturday 22nd July 2023 

Come and enjoy a weekend in beautiful Noosa, Qld, and attend this day of creating and deepening intimacy for you as a couple. Helping you create the love you want so you can reconnect with ease, disagreements can fall away and the tension is taken out of your intimate relationship. Read more here.

And if you'd like to dive in deeper for a true immersion into creating this love field in your own relationship, join us at The Making Love Retreat. Love to see you there.



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