When He Pulls Away: A Love Letter to the Woman Who’s Reaching

There can be a quiet ache inside a woman when she senses him slipping away.

She might not speak of it. She might just feel it — in the way his eyes don’t meet hers quite the same… in the hollow silence that follows her reaching hand. She might tell herself, He’s just tired. He’s stressed. But over time, that soft ache can harden into doubt: Does he even want me anymore?

Sometimes women come to me with these tender questions, voices full of grief and frustration, sometimes even rage and resentment. And what I so often see coupled with their pain… is a man quietly doubting himself too.

We often forget: men lose confidence in their bodies just like women do as they grow older. It can even start in their 30s. Their sense of identity — especially sexually — can be deeply tied to performance. To function. To “get it right.” And when their bodies don’t respond the way they once did — due to age, hormones, stress, or emotional distance — they may not speak of it either.

They just… retreat.

Not just from the bedroom — but from touch, from emotion, from connection.

They may appear numb. Shut down. Unreachable. And it breaks a woman’s heart, because the more she reaches for him, the more she feels him slipping away.

But here’s the quiet truth: it’s often not that he doesn’t love her. It’s that he doubts himself. And when she doubts him too often, even if she doesn't mean to — it only deepens his sense of failure.

This dynamic can spiral. He disengages. She demands. He retreats further. She feels unloved. He feels inadequate.

And yet… this can be unlearned. Healed. Slowly. Tenderly.

One of the most powerful realisations couples have at our retreats is that sex must revolve around an erection is simply untrue.

It’s a fallacy that has caused heartbreak in countless bedrooms.

At the Making Love Retreat, men and women come to see — and feel — that lovemaking begins in their presence, their heart, not the genitals. That our genitals are emotional organs. They respond to love, to presence, to feeling safe. Just like our hearts.

When a man feels judged, pressured, or demanded upon — whether emotionally or sexually — just like a woman does, his body will close. Not because he doesn't care. Instead, because he no longer feels safe to be vulnerable. 

And when a woman loses touch with her essence — with the vast, magnetic field of her Love — she may begin to relate to him from a place of resentment because her heart hasn't felt met. She becomes cold, harsh, stony. Not because she doesn't care. But because she’s hurting too.

At the last July retreat, I witnessed something profound.
There was a deeper understanding of how the masculine and feminine energies show up in real, lived ways between a couple.

Often, I see that a woman can become subtly (or strongly) over-masculinised. She’s doing, directing, taking the lead — even in intimacy. She may not even realise it. This imbalance can block her from dropping deeply into her innate, instinctive feminine force. And when she’s holding that energy, there’s less room for him to step into his grounded masculine presence.

This imbalance plays out not just in the dynamics of daily life, but in the bedroom.
Right down to the level of the genitals.

When things are out of harmony, a man may feel less confident, less responsive. And that adds to the spiral of self-doubt and shutdown.

But when the masculine and feminine begin to re-align, when a woman returns to her receptive, radiant essence and a man feels safe enough to open up and be present — everything begins to change. Not just emotionally. But physically. In the experience of their bodies.

It’s not performative. It’s not showy.

It’s sacred.

So if you're the woman reaching… and hurting… and wondering why he’s pulling away — take heart.

It's not over.

Not if you're willing to turn inward, soften, and meet him with the one thing he needs most from you.

Not your criticism. Not your logic.

But your Love.

If this speaks to you, I explore these themes and more at The Making Love Retreat. We welcome you with all our heart to experience this life-changing retreat for your relationship, your heart, and your body. 

Disclaimer: The reflections in this blog are grounded in years of clinical and experiential work with couples. This is not a substitute for professional health advice or treatment. Please seek medical advice for physical symptoms that concern you.